It's Better to Be Kind Than to Be Right

While I first read this phrase as the life philosophy of Pat Peoples, protagonist of one of the most perfect novels of our times, The Silver Linings Playbook, it turns out, someone said it long before Pat (or his creator, Matthew Quick). Just who, I'm not really sure. Seriously, if Google or Wikipedia can't give me the answer, is it really worth knowing? But getting back to the point, this may just be one of the wisest expressions I've ever heard.

The Google search did help me narrow down the full quote:

“Sometimes it’s better to be kind than right. We don't need a brilliant mind that speaks, but a patient heart who listens.” - See more at: http://familyshare.com/it-is-better-to-be-kind-than-right#sthash.re00giRQ.dpuf

Sometimes its better to be kind than right. We don't need a brilliant mind that speaks, but a patient heart who listens.

But here's what I've recently been noticing. It's really easy to insist we're right. It's not so easy (or common) to be kind. How many of us wave the car across from us into the parking spot we were waiting for? Or let the lady behind us in line at the grocery store with two young children go first? Or stayed late at work to help a colleague or finish an important project, even though you were off the clock? I admit it...I really like to be right. But I really want to be kind. So I started paying attention to instances of both, and I saw some really interesting things. 

On a recent episode of the television show Shark Tank (yeah, yeah, I've seen a few episodes), I watched an extraordinary measure of kindness. A simple Florida farmer asked for funds to continue making a product that keeps trees moist, much needed by Florida tree growers. His only goal was to continue following the example set by his father and helping others save their farms, only charging enough money to make $1 off each item (no, there are no zeros after that 1, it's seriously $1). After being told by one shark that he couldn't make enough money with that kind of business plan, guest shark John Paul DeJoria, co-founder of Paul Mitchell hair products, gave him everything he asked for. He told him he admired his work and desire to be good to his fellow farmers, and while he didn't say so, he clearly was supporting kindness over making money. Just a few days later, I watched my first and last episode of Extreme Cheapskates (hey, there was nothing else on). I watched someone explain that he didn't want to have to pay a water bill, so he went to the laundry mat. Oh, not to do his laundry for only a couple of dollars, but to ask people to let him put his laundry in with theirs. Is that right? Well, a few people were kind enough to say "yes." I also saw a lady paint her baby's nursery by going from paint store to paint store asking for free samples (which normally were $3). But she didn't think she should have to pay for them. I'm pretty sure that's not right. But, again, people were kind.
 
One library I worked at subscribed to the view that we believe what our customers tell us, so if they owed fines or lost material charges, and they explained that they didn't (for whatever reason), staff is empowered to waive the charges if they see fit. So the organization acknowledged and accepted that, sometimes, we were right and the customer owed us, but under certain circumstances, it was okay to chose to be kind instead. Were we taken advantage of? Were there times when we were right and the customer was wrong and they were not made to take responsibility? Yes, indeed. But it can be rather freeing to know you can decide to be kind instead of right. Sometimes.

I now drive to work through a downtown area in which it seems there are more lights and crosswalks than there are people. This tends to result in irritable drivers. At least for this driver. The other day, I watched someone start to cross the street, not at a crosswalk, and not with a light. Fortunately for her, the person in the car in front of me was paying attention. Just as the pedestrian noticed a car coming and started to turn back, the car stopped, and the driver waved the pedestrian on. Could he have kept driving, probably in a hurry from all those lights, and made the pedestrian wait? Yes, the pedestrian saw him in time. Should he have had to stop when someone was trying to cross the street without a crosswalk and any kind of light? I don't think so. But he did. He was just a nice guy doing the kind thing. 

There are bigger examples, too. People are starting to donate to relief efforts in the Philippines. Maybe even the same people who donated after Hurricane Katrina or the earthquake in Haiti. They certainly don't have to. They earned their money, and no one's going to make them give it away (except, perhaps, the Tax Man). But sometimes, we do choose to be kind to one another. Let's don't get into a discussion of Obamacare, but I would like to point out that it is another huge example of an attempt at kindness. The government may or may not owe its citizens health care--remember, I promised we weren't going to discuss this--but it's trying awfully hard to offer a human kindness.

I was at dinner with a group recently, and, bless her heart, that waitress was having a bad night. Dinner was delayed. And delayed some more. The waitress apologize several times, yet, still no dinner. Would we have been within our rights to complain? Ask for the owner? Tip badly? Probably. Did we? No. It felt a lot better to say "no problem" and laugh at how busy it was. We could have made her night even worse than it was, and instead, maybe we made it a little easier.

This philosophy seems to be the foundation for good customer service. Every day, customers ask for things that are against established rules and policies. I know it's past 30 days, but can't I return this anyway? I know I was overdrawn, but look, here's a check, can't you refund the fee you charged? I know your chef did all the same work to make this dish, but it turns out not to be what I wanted, can't you make me something else and not charge me for it? In the interest of making the customer happy, people make exceptions every day, setting aside rules, even though they're technically in the right, and just doing what's being asked. The Bible says not to turn away from the one who wants to borrow from you. Seems like it's pretty much saying to be kind rather than right. 

As the second half of this quote indicates, sometimes, it's a matter of just shutting up (maybe that's why I've had trouble with this in the past). It doesn't matter how smart you are, or whether or not you're correct. It might just be more important to listen and hear what someone else needs. Being kind is about letting someone else be right.

This all makes it sound like it's easy. It's not. Or maybe that's just me. It's hard to give in or give up, at least, if you're going to view it as giving in or giving up (maybe it starts by not viewing it that way). And I'm not saying you shouldn't fight for what's owed to you. If you don't stand up for your rights, well, who will? But here's what's really great about being kind. Sometimes, being kind IS the right thing.