The Rules of the Road

Gentle Reader,

I am frequently puzzled by the lack of manners demonstrated by those in command of the tanks, mid-life crises, and mom-mobiles driving around on our roads (which, by the way are for cars, not bicycles. We love bicycles. We love bicyclers. We love them so much that it makes us nervous for them to be outside bicycle lanes on the roads, which are for cars. See where I'm going here?). It seems that, once one becomes the director of a two-ton potential death-trap offering a level of anonymity exceeded only by the Internet, one loses all sense of etiquette. I recall having had to study a manual of driving before I was allowed access to one of these devices, yet those on the roads today appear to have lost all memory of instruction in how to politely, amiably, and safely interact with fellow drivers. You know, how to play nicely with others? To this end, I offer a refresher course on the driving rules that, evidently, so many of us have forgotten.

1. Use Your Blinker. Please. I promise it doesn't hurt, and it's really easy. To those of you who use your blinker before making a turn, yes, even in a turn lane, I congratulate you. Please note that blinkers work equally as well when preparing to change lanes. Those of us who do not travel with our crystal balls cannot read your mind to determine your intentions.

2. Pull into the intersection when preparing to make a left turn. That's right. A few more inches. No, no, don't turn your wheels. That will send you right into oncoming traffic if someone bumps into you. But there's no excuse for at least one car not making the light.

3. Stop completely at a stop sign or red light. Do not honk when I stop completely before making a right turn. Red means stop. Not pause. Not roll through. Not wave as you drive by. Say it with me now. Red means stop.

4. Turn into the lane closest to you. Just because one has a green light and permission to turn does not mean that one can turn into any lane of one's choosing. Turn into the lane closest to you, and then move over if you need to be in another lane. The person coming from the other direction and turning into THEIR closest lane will thank you. Yes, this is in the driving manual.


5. Adjust your speed to avoid too much togetherness. If you're traveling east at 45 MPH and someone else is traveling west (that's directly towards you, in case you missed it) at 45 MPH, and a bike or mailman or rogue jogger is on the side of the road somewhere in between you two...why wouldn't you slow down or speed up so you're not all across from one another at the same time? I don't understand.

6. Don't squeeze into a small space in front of me when there's plenty of room behind me. That's just rude.

7. Park between the two lines. As with coloring, it is frowned upon to park outside the lines. And while you're at it, park in an actual parking space. I regret to tell you that, when your mother assures you of what a special human being you undoubtedly are, she was not implying you could park along the curb while the rest of us have to go find a parking space.

8. If your speed is equal or less than the posted speed limit, get out of the freakin' left lane!

9. If you're going to drive, drive. Don't talk on the phone (well, not for long). Don't read (road signs are okay if you have your glasses on). Don't put on lipstick (okay, maybe at a stoplight). Don't eat (unless you're driving a really long distance and are faced with no alternative but to hit the Wendy's drive-through window), and don't chart your course on a map (except for a digital GPS, and only because they talk to you).

Gentle readers, these eight simple rules will not only keep you safe in your car and cause others to comment on the considerateness of your driving, but will keep me from being forced to rear-end you.